Pain !!

Pain is often considered in the caribbean as not neccesarily a bad thing. Why you might ask, well look at it this way, without pain how would you know you are alive? My Jamaican grandma always says, "pain never last forever". I always thought that was true, but then I consider the different types of pain and realise umm, some pain do last forever.

That pain is called mental pain. Thats the sort of pain that lingers with us, maybe not everyday, but just once in a while, it comes back and just bites you in the ass. Sometimes we sit and reminess about it and it feels like something is lodged in our throats and we cant get it out. I have had such pain, but it is a very miniscule sort compared to what you might be going through. When I was a child in Jamaica, I use to pick my sister up in the afternoon, but I use to buy food and eat it before I got there and act like I didnt buy anything. One time I bout some fruit and was picking up my sister, I forgot to eat it and went to get her, then I realsied that it wasnt my day to pick her up. She was still there but she was going somewhere with the parents, so I told her I was leaving, upon leaving she saw the fruit in my pocket bulging, she held her arm out through the fence and said "beg yuh sum", I was all mean and said no, her nose was runny, she had dirt from playing all day, and me her big brother wouldnt share his fruit with her. After the incident, looking back on it, I felt so disgusted with myself, I was ashamed and felt this bad feeling, like something lodged in my throat.

I think that is what shaped my perception on things, my thing from that day on was, anything I had, that another person needed, and I didnt need it, I would give it to them. To this day, that is what shaped I think my personality for just giving stuff away without any compensation. I think, I'm compensating for that feeling I had when I was a 10 year old boy, being selfish. From time to time, I get that bad feeling in my throat thinking about it. I dont know why, and I dont think I will ever get rid of that shame of not sharing with the one I loved.....